Manx

Callow, Edward, The Phynodderree and Other Legends of the Isle of Man (1882; reprint, Ayer 1975).
Moore, Arthur William, Manx Balladas and Music (Irish Bks. Press 1911).
Rhys, Grace, Myth, Legend and Miracle on the Isle of Man (1921; reprint, AMS Press 1972).

Irish

Cahalan, J.M., Modern Irish Literature and Culture: A Chronology (1992).
Carroll, Donald, ed., New Poets of Ireland (1963; reprint 1977).
Dillon, Myles, Early Irish Literature (1948).
Corcoran, Neil, After Yeats and Joyce: Reading Modern Irish Literature (1997).
Donoghue, Denis, We Irish: On Irish Literature and Society (1988).
Ellis-Fermor, Una, The Irish Dramatic Movement, 2d ed. (1954).
Fallis, Richard, The Irish Renaissance (1977).
Foster, John W., Fictions of the Irish Literary Revival (Syracuse Univ. Press (1987).
Jeffares, A. Norman, Parameters of Irish Literature in English (Dufour Eds. 1987).
Kearney, Richard, The Irish Mind: Exploring Intellectual Traditions (Irish Bks. & Media 1987).
Kenny, H.A., Literary Dublin, rev. ed. (1991).
Kiberd, Declan, Inventing Ireland: The Literature of the Modern Nation (1996).
Lane, Denis, and Lan, Carol M., eds., Modern Irish Literature (Ungar 1988).
Mahony, Christina H., Contemporary Irish Literature (1999).
Marcus, Phillip L.. Yeats and the Beginning of Irish Renaissance (Syracuse Univ. Press 1987).
Mercier, Vivian, Modern Irish Literature (1994).
O'Connor, Frank, A Short History of Irish Literature (1967).
O'Connor, Ulick, All the Olympians: a Biographical Potrait of the Irish Literary Renaissance (Holt 1987).
Saul, G.B., Traditional Irish Literature and Its Backgrounds (1975).
Skelton, Robin, Celtic Contraries (1989).
Toibin, Colm, ed., New Writing from Ireland (1994).
Vance, Norman, Irish Literature: A Social History (1990).
Welch, Robert, ed., The Oxford Companion to Irish Literature (1996).
Barnard, Toby C., Cromwellian Ireland: English Government and Reform in Ireland 1649 1660 (2000).
Brady, Ciarian, ed., The Encyclopediaof Ireland (2000) and Interpreting Irish History (1994).
Canny, Nicholas, Making Ireland British, 1580 1650 (2001).
Connolly, S.J., ed., The Oxford Companion to Irish History (1998).
Cronin, Mike, A History of Ireland (2001).
Curran, Joseph M., The Birth of the Irish Free State, 1921 1923 (1980).
de Paor, Maire and Liam, Early Christian Ireland (1958; repr. 1978).
Ellis, Steven, Tudor Island (1985).
Foster, R.F., ed., The Oxford History of Ireland (1992; repr. 2001).
Harkness, David, Ireland in the 20th Century (1995).
Herity, Michael, Ireland in Prehistory (1977; repr. 1997).
Lydon, James, and MacCurtain, Margaret, eds., The Gill History of Ireland, 13 vols. (1972 75).
McCaffrey, Carmel, and Eaton, Leo, In Search of Ancient Ireland (2002).
Moody, T.W., and Martin, F.X., eds., The Course of Irish History, rev. ed. (1995).
O Grada, Cormac, Ireland: A New Economic History, 1780 1939 (1994).
Pakenham, Thomas, The Year of Liberty: The History of the Great Irish Rebellion of 1798 (1993; abr. ed., 1998).
Scally, Robert, The End of Hidden Ireland: Rebellion, Famine, and Emigration (1994).
Vaughan, W.E., ed., Ireland under the Union, 2 vols. (1989 96).
Wallace, Martin, A Little History of Ireland (1995).
Laing, Lloyd and Jennifer, Celtic Britain and Ireland, 200 800 (1990).
Megaw, Vincent and Ruth, Celtic Art from the Beginning to the Book of Kells (1989).
Raftery, Barry, Pagan Celtic Ireland (1994).

Scottish Gaelic

Blackie, John S., The Language and Literature of the Scottish Highlands (Folcroft 1973).
Campbell, John F., Popular Tales of the West Highlands, 4 vols. (1980; reprint, Gale Res. 1969).
Harris, Paul, ed., Scotland: An Anthology (Little 1986)
MacDougall, James, Folk Tales and Fairy Lore in Gaelic and English: Collected from Oral Tradition, ed. by Richard M. Dorsen (1910; reprint, Ayer 1977).
Royle, Trevor, Companion to Scottish Literature (Gale Res. 1983).
Wallace, Gavin and Randall Stevenson, eds., The Scottish Novel Since the Seventies (Edinburgh Univ. Press 1993).

Scottish

Baxter, Colin, Scotland: The Nature of the Land (1990).
Becker, Marvin B., The Emergence of Civil Society in the Eighteenth Century: A Privileged Moment in the History of England, Scotland, and France (1994).
Brown, Stewart J., and Fry, Michael, eds., Scotland and the Age of Disruption (1993).
Bruce, Duncan A., The Mark of the Scots (1996).
Campbell, R.H., Scotland since 1707, 3d ed. (1996).
Cowan, Ian, The Scottish Reformation (1982).
Devine, T.M., The Transformation of Rural Scotland: Social Change and the Agragarian Economy, 1660 1815 (1994).
Dickinson, William C., Scotland from the Earliest Times to 1603, 3d ed., (1977).
Donnachie, Ian, A Companion to Scottish History (1990).
Harvie, Christopher T., Scotland and Nationalism: Scottish Society and Politics, 1707 1994 (1994).
Houston, R.A., and Whyte, I.D., eds., Scottish Society, 1500 1800 (1989).
Lea, K.J., et al., Geography of Scotland (1977).
Lee, Clive, Scotland and the United Kingdom: The Economy and the Union in the Twentieth Century (1995).
Lenman, Bruce, An Economic History of Modern Scotland (1977).
Levy, Roger, Scottish Nationalism at the Crossroads (1990).
Little, Peter, Scotland at a Glimpse 1997 (1996).
Lynch, Michael, ed., The Oxford Companion to Scottish History (2001).
Maclean, Fitzroy, Scotland: A Concise History (1993).
Magnusson, Magnus, Scotland: The Story of a Nation (2001).
Paterson, Lindsay, The Autonomy of Modern Scotland (1995).
Piggott, Stuart, Scotland before History (1983).
Ritchie, Graham and Anna, Scotland: Archaeology and Early History (1992).
Saville, Richard, ed., The Economic Development of Modern Scotland (1985).
Wormald, Jenny, Scotland Revisited (1991).
Harvie, Christopher, No Gods and Precious Few Heroes: Twentieth-Century Scotland, 3d ed., (Edinburgh Univ. Press 1998).
Houston, R.A., and I.D. Whyte, eds., Scottish Society, 1500 1800 (Cambridge 1989).
Lenman, Bruce, et al., A History of Scotland (Viking 1992).
MacLean, Fitzroy, Scotland: A Concise History (Thames and Hudson 1993).
Roberts, John, Lost Kingdoms: Celtic Scotland and the Middle Ages (Edinburgh Univ. Press 1997).

Welsh

Bell, Harold Idris, Welsh Literary Renascence of the Twentieth Century (Oxford 1953).
Davies, John H., ed., Some Welsh Legends and Other Poems (1893; reprint Longwood 1979).
Ford, Patrick K., ed., Mabinogi and Other Medieval Welsh Tales (Univ. of Calif. Press 1977).
Graves, Robert, White Goddess, rev. ed. (1966; P. Smith 1983).
Jarman, A. O., and Hughes, G.R. eds, A Guide to Welsh Literature, vol. 2 (Humanities Press 1980).
Jones, Gwyn, ed. The Oxford Book of Welsh Verse in English (Oxford 1972).
Parry, Thomas, History of Welsh Literature (Oxford 1972).
Skene, William F., The Four Ancient Books of Wales, 2 vols. (1868; reprint, AMS Press 1978).
Stephens, Meic, The Oxford Companion to the Literature of Wasles (Oxford 1986).
Thomas, M. Wynn, Internal Difference: Literature in the 20th-Century Wales (University of Wales Press 1992).
Williams, Gwynm ed., The Burining Tree: Poems from the First Thousand Years of Welsh Verse (1936; reprint, Greenwood Press 1979).
Williams, Gwyn, An Introduction to Welsh Literature, 2d ed. (University of Wales Press 1992).
Carrs-Saunders, A.M., and D. Caradog-Jones, A Survey of the Social Structure of England and Wales (Garland 1985).
Davies, John, A History of Wales (Penguin 1994).
Davies, R.R., Conquest, Coexistence, and Change: Wales,
1063 1415 (Oxford 1991).
Jenkins, Geraint H., The Foundations of Modern Wales: Wales, 1642 1780 (Oxfor 1988).
Jones, Garath E., Modern Wales: A Concise History, 1485 1975 (Cambridge 1985).
Morgan, Kenneth O., Rebirth of a Nation: Wales, 1880 1890 (Oxford 1987).
Morris, Jan, The Matter of Wales: Epic Views of a Small Country (Oxford 1985).
Williams, Gwyn A., The Welsh in Their History (Longwood 1982).
Carr, A.D., Medieval Wales (1995).
Howell, D.W., Land and People in Nineteenth Century Wales (1978).
Jenkins, J.G., Life and Tradition in Rural Wales (1992).
May, John, Reference Wales (1994).
Morgan, K.O., Modern Wales: Politics, Places, People (1996).
Morgan, Prys, ed., The Tempest History of Wales, 25,000 2000 (2001).
Osmond, John, ed., A Parliament for Wales (1994).
Owen, G.D., Elizabethan Wales (1994).
Peters, Ellis, and Morgan, Roy, Strongholds and Sanctuaries: The Borderland of England and Wales (1993).
Thomas, Hugh, A History of Wales, 2d ed., (1977).
Williams, A.H., An Introduction to the History of Wales, 2 vols. (1962).
Williams, David, A History of Modern Wales, 2d ed. (1977).
Williams, Glanmor, Religion, Language, and Nationality in Wales (1979) and The Welsh Church: From Conquest to Reformation (1993).
Williams, Glyn, ed., Social and Cultural Change in Contemporary Wales (1978).

Cornish

Longsworth, Robert M., The Cornish Ordinalia: Religion and Dramaturgy (Harvard Univ. Press 1967).
Norris, Edwin, ed., Ancient Cornish Drama, 2 vols. (1859; reprint, Ayer 1968).

Breton

Cadic, Francois, Chants de Chouans (French & European Pub. 1949).
Evans, Ellis D., The Labrynth of Continental Celtic (Longwood 1977).
Le Braz, Anatole, The Night of Fires and Other Breton Stories (1912; reprint, AMS Press 1972).

British

Black, Jeremy, A History of the British Isles (1996).
Briggs, Asa, A Social History of England (1985).
Churchill, Sir Winston, History of the English-Speaking Peoples, 4 vols. (1956 58; repr. 1983).
Clark, G.N., ed., Oxford History of England, 15 vols. (1937 65).
Collinson, Patrick, ed., The Sixteenth Century, 1485 1603 (2001).
Davies, Norman, The Isles: A History (2000).
Dyer, Christopher, Making A Living in the Middle Ages: The People of Britain 850 1520 (2002).
Frere, Sheppard S., Britannia: A History of Roman Britain (Harvard Univ. Press 1967).
Harding, D.W., The Iron Age in Lowland Britain (Methuen 1985).
Harvey, Barbara, ed., The Twelfth and Thirteenth Centuries 1066 c.1280 (2001).
Havighurst, A.F., Britain in Transition, 4th ed. (1985).
Langford, Paul, ed., The Eighteenth Century (2001).
Lenman, Bruce, ed., The Larousse Dictionary of British History (1995).
Matthew, Colin, ed., The Nineteenth Century: The British Isles 1815 1901 (2000).
Manley, John, Atlas of Prehistoric Britain (Oxford 1989).
Morrison, Alex, Early Man in Britain and Ireland (St. Martin's 1981).
Morgan, Kenneth O., Britain since 1945: The People's Peace, exp. ed. (2001) and, as ed., The Oxford History of Britain, rev. ed. (2001).
Palliser, D.M., et al., eds., The Cambridge Urban History of Britain, 3 vols, (2001).
Rodger, N.A.M., The Safeguard of the Sea: A Naval History of Britain, 660 1649 (1998).
Schama, Simon, A History of Britain, 3 vols. (2000 02).
Thomas, Charles, Celtic Britain (Thames & Hudson 1986).
Thompson, F.M., The Cambridge Social History of Britain, 1750 1950, 3 vols. (1990 93).

General Works

Deane, Seamus, ed., Celtic Revivals (Faber 1987).
Jackson, Kenneth Hurlstone, tr., Celtic Miscellany (1951; reprint, Penguin 1972).
Matthews, John, ed., A Celtic Reader: Selections from Celtic Legend, Scholarship, & Story (1991; reprint, Thorsons Pubs 1992).
Rhys, Grace., A Celtic Anthology (1927; reprint, Folcroft 1972).
Rankin, H.D., Celts and the Classical World (1986).
Rowlett, Ralph, The Iron Age North of the Alps (1994).
Wells, Peter S., The Barbarians Speak: How the Conquered Peoples Shaped Roman Europe (2000).
Cunliffe, Barry, The Ancient Celts (1997).
Ellis, Peter Berresford, Celt and Roman: The Celts of Italy (1998), The Celtic Empire: The First Millenium of Celtic History, 1000 51 (1991), The Chronicles of the Celts (1999), and Dictionary of Celtic Mythology (1992).,
Green, Miranda, Dictionary of Celtic Myth and Legend (1992) and The Gods of the Celts (1986).
Kruta, Venceslas, et. al., eds., The Celts (1991).
MacKillop, James, Dictionary of Celtic Mythology (1998).

May the mornings scream at you.

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch.

May his pipe never smoke, may his teapot be broke
And to add to the joke, may his kettle ne’er boil,
May he keep to the bed till the hour that he’s dead,
May he always be fed on hogwash and boiled oil,
May he swell with the gout, may his grinders fall out,
May he roll howl and shout with the horrid toothache,
May the temples wear horns, and the toes many corns,
Of the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty’s drake.

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

May his spade never dig may his sow never pig
May each hair on his wig be well thrashed with a flail
May his door have no latch, may his house have no thatch,
May his turkey not hatch, may the rats eat his meat
May every old fairy, from Cork to Dunleary,
Dip him snug and airy in river or lake,
Where the eel and the trout may feed on the snout
Of the monster that murdered Neill Falheerty’s drake

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.

Click Here to make your own Elizabethan Oaths, Curses and Insults!

Beannachd Dia dhuit - Blessings of God be with you

Slainte mhor agus a h-uile beannachd duibh - Good health and every good blessing to you!

Sláinte! - To your health!

Beannachtam na Feile Padraig! - Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Nollaig shona duit! - Happy Christmas!

Nollaig faoi shean is faoi shonas duit. - A prosperous and happy Christmas to you.

Go mbeire muid beo ar an am seo aris. - May we be alive at this time next year.

Athbhliain faoi mhaise duit! - A prosperous New Year!

Old Irish Saying:
"Nollaig Faoi Shean Is Faoi Mhaise Dhuit"
(pronounced) Knoll-ig f'wee haan ss f'wee shun-ah g-with
Translation: A Christmas of Happiness and Joy to you

Fáilte, pronounced faaltshae - Welcome

madainn mhath, pronounced matin vah - Good morning

oidhche mhath, pronounced oychae vah - Good night

latha math, pronounced laah mah - Good day 

feashar math, pronounced fesker mah - Good afternoon or evening

tiaraidh an drásda, pronounced tsheearee an draasha - Bye for now, meaning just for a short time

Celtic New Year's Blessing:

Slàinte maith, h-uile latha, na chi ‘snach fhaic!
Gun cuireadh do chupa thsairis le slainte agus sonas.
A h-uile là sona dhuibh ‘s gun là idir dona dhuib.
Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ùr!

Translated, this means:
Good health, every day, whether I see you or not!
May your cup overflow with health and happiness.
May all your days be happy ones.
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Gaelic Wedding Blessing:

Mi\le fa\ilte dhuit le d'bhre/id,
Fad do re/ gun robh thu sla\n.
Mo/ran la\ithean dhuit is si\th,
Le d'mhaitheas is le d'ni\ bhi fa\s.

Translated, this means:
"A thousand welcomes to you with your marriage kerchief, may you be healthy all your days. May you be blessed with long life and peace, may you grow old with goodness, and with riches."

This is attributed to the Rev. Donald MacLeod, minister of Duirinish, Skye, Scotland c. 1760.

tha mi duilich, pronounced haa mee doolich - I am sorry

tapadh leibh, pronounced tahpae levy - Thank you

móran taing, pronounced mohraen tigh-ng - Many thanks

‘s e ur beatha, pronounced shey oor behah - You’re welcome

beannachd leibh, pronounced byannachk leyv - Goodbye, meaning goodbye for a longer period of time

grabh mo leisgeul, pronounced gav mo leshkael - Excuse me

SaveGaelic.org

The Mouse on the Barroom Floor
Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
'Bring on the goddam cat!'

At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled: "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St. George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

While visiting Old Tam, who sat in the hospital, the minister noticed he had a bowl of almonds.
"My brother gave me those, but I don't like them, you can have them," said Old Tam.
The minister thanked him and began eating them. Then he said, "Why would your brother give you something you don't like?"
To which Old Tam replied "Well they originally had chocolate on them..."

McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.
During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act.
As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?"
The German replied, "It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell...when Irish spies are filing."

This one combines the Scots characteristics of reticence and understatement: Two brothers worked a croft together. One day the youngest brother went out into the world. After twelve years he was back again.
The elder brother asked: "Whar are thoo been?"
His brother answered: "Out!"

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.
"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked.
To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour."

The Irish .... An English-piquing people.

A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend. Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside. He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?"
The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose."
The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a moose?! Well, how big are yer cats around here?"

Notice in a Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow, restaurant -
"KIDS - Eat two for the price of one..."
to which a passing non-customer had added "I can't eat a whole child, far less two..."

Tam turned up at the local pub with his arm in a sling. His pals asked what had happened and he replied "If you must know, it got broken while I was fighting for a lassie's honour".
His pals were impressed until he went on to say "Aye, she wanted to keep it".

An old Scots minister, stressing to his congregation the wisdom of repentance, remarked: "Yes, my friends, unless ye repent, ye shall all perish, just as surely as I'm gaun tae ding the guts oot o' that muckle blue flea that's lichtit on my Bible."
As he was about to strike, the fly got away, whereupon the Scot struck the book with all his strength and exclaimed: "My frien's, there's a chance fur ye yet!"

Glaswegians consider Edinburgh to be in the east - the Far East. Edinburghers consider Glasgow to be in the west - the Wild West.

The old Scotsman was asked by a friend what he thought of his nearest neighbor.
He replied: "Och, weel, he's a decent-like lad, but he's no' exactly a temperance man. He was sittin' there juist drinkin' an' drinkin', until I could scarcely see him."

Billy and Paddy were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "TREE FELLERS WANTED".
One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning MacDonald.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said MacDonald.

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

A Prayer to Beer
Our lager, which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.Thy Kingdom come, I fill thee mug, At home, as in the tavern.

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

An advertisement in an Edinburgh newspaper read "For sale. Genuine leopard-skin coat. Spotless condition."

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark.
"Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"
"Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"
"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

A Scot goes into a pub and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks around the sleepy pub, shrugs and hands the man a bottle of beer. The Scot drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at him oddly but hands another beer to the Scot. He drinks it fast.
"Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the Scot drinks it fast.
"Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"

Patrick and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Patrick says to Murphy what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help. After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Patrick says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is black with Guinness - Murphy says you stupid fool now we'll have to pee in the boat.

When an old Scottish lady was asked why she had suddenly taken to studying the Bible so assiduously, she replied "I'm studying for my finals".

Wee MacDonald gave up being an atheist as soon as he discovered there were no holidays.

There once was a Welsh couple who had been married some years before the husband realised that his wife kept a box under their bed, and wore the key for it around her neck. Curious, naturally enough, he demanded to know what was in the box, but of course she would not tell him. 'I'll let you know on our golden wedding anniversary,' she promised.
The years passed but despite the husband's occasional attempts to find out about the box, the wife remained adamant. Not till their golden wedding would she divulge the secret of the box. Well, of course, the anniversary arrived and their children gave the couple a great party. It was well and truly early morning before husband and wife made their way up to bed.
'Uh-ho,' said the wife, 'I am so tired. I think I will go straight to bed.'
'No, you don't,' said the husband. 'We have an arrangement. Tonight was our golden wedding anniversary, and you have promised for years to show me what is in that box under the bed.'
'Very well,' said the wife, taking the key from her neck and unlocking the box. Inside were three eggs and about £5,000 in cash.
'What does this mean? What are those eggs doing in the box?' the husband demanded.
The wife sighed. 'You won't like this. But you insisted on knowing. Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in that box.'
The husband was devastated and furiously angry. He roared and he thundered. But after a while, he said, 'Well, it's only three eggs, after all. I forgive you.' And he kissed her, and then she locked the box and put it back under the bed.
Only then did it occur to the husband to ask about the money. 'What's that £5,000 doing in there?' he said.
She gave another sigh. 'It's like this,' she said. 'Whenever I accumulated a dozen eggs, I sold them for £1!'

In order to find out which was the most popular painting amongst visitors to the Tate Gallery in London, a magazine ran a competition. Readers were asked to give an answer to the following question:
"If the Tate Gallery were on fire and you were only allowed to save one painting which one would it be?"
First prize went to a canny Scotsman who replied: "The one nearest the fire doors."

An American tourist decided to play a round of golf at an exclusive Irish golf course. He hired one of the local caddies and set off. However, as he approached the ninth hole he had already amassed a score of 100 having taken 7 putts at the eighth hole. Furious, he hurled his putter at his caddie and yelled: "You must be the worst damn caddie in the world!"
"That, sir," replied the caddie, "Would be too much of a coincidence."

MacDonald has had a stereo system in his motor car for years - his wife in the front and her mother in the back.

How do we know that the game of golf was invented in Scotland? Well, the whole point of the game is to hit the ball as few times as possible in the course of a round, and any Scotsman can tell you that the fewer times you hit a ball the longer it will last.

MacDonald was on his deathbed. His wife Morag, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Morag," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Morag," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"'There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Morag. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Morag. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

An international conference of beer producers is taking place in a NYC hotel. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in at the hotel bar. The president of Anheuser Bush orders a Bud Lite, the president of Heineken orders an Amstel, the president of Miller Coors orders a High Life and the list goes on.
Then the bartender turns to the president of Guinness and says, “And you’ll be having a pint of the black stuff , right?”
Much to everyone’s amazement, he says “No, I’ll have club soda.”
"Why didn’t you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
He grins and says “If you gentlemen won’t be drinking beer then neither will I.”

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

A Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and  the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the  grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my  heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

Give us this day, our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill upon us,
And lead us not, into annebriation,
But deliver us from hangovers,
Barmen.

An English politician was giving a speech in Wales. "I was born an Englishman, I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!" he declared.
"What's wrong, man," exclaimed a voice from the crowd, "Have you no ambition?"

In The Beginning...
In the beginning when God was creating the World, He was sitting on Cloud Nine telling his old pal, the Archangel Gabriel, what he planned for Scotland.
"Gabe," says He, "I'm going to make this place something special...I''ll give it high majestic mountains, purple glens, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whiskey-colored nectar can be made, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, gas..."
"Hold on, hold on," interjected the bold Gabriel, "Are you not being too generous to these Scots?"
Back came the Almighty's reply. "Not really, just wait until you see the neighbors I'm giving them!"

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

We're on this Earth together,
And if we would be brothers,
Fight not just on your own behalf
But for the sake of others.

Rye bread will do you good,
Barley bread will do you no harm,
Wheaten bread will sweeten your blood,
Oaten bread will strengthen your arm.

There are only two kinds of people in the world,
The Irish, and those who wish they were.

When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step!

Life is like a cup of tea, It's all in how you make it.

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried.

There's a dear little plant that grows on our Isle
'Twas Saint Patrick himself sure that set it,
And the sun on his labor with pleasure did smile,
And a t ear from his eyes oft-times wet it.
It grows through the bog, through the brake, through the mireland,
And they call it the dear little Shamrock of Ireland.

The devil is good to his own in this world,
and bad to them in the next.

Many an opportunity is lost because a man is out looking for four-leaf clovers.

Drinking is the only way to find out whether or not your neck leaks!

Drink is the curse of the land.
It makes you fight with your neighbor.
It makes you shoot at your neighbor.
It makes you miss.

Some may say the glass is half empty,
Some may say the glass is half full,
But the Irish will forever say
"Are you gonna drink that?"

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from conquering the world!

Anyone acquainted with Ireland knows that the morning of St. Patrick’s Day consists of the night of the seventeenth of March flavored strongly with the morning of the eighteenth.

Many people will walk in and out or your life,
but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

As the sun rises gold
Over the Emerald Isle,
May your oat's hot steam
Warm your hard work smile.

Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never loved before,
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Live as though Heaven is on earth.

'Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day,
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he's dead.

We cannot share this sorrow
If we haven't grieved a while.
Nor can we feel another's joy
Until we've learned to smile.

What is Irish diplomacy?
It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell,
So that he will look forward to making the trip.

Now sweetly lies old Ireland
Emerald green beyond the foam,
Awakening sweet memories,
Calling the heart back home.

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you,
I could walk through my garden forever.

In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God.

The reason the Irish are always fighting each other
Is they have no other worthy opponents.

There are only two kinds of people in the world,
Celts and those who wish they were.

Happiness being a dessert so sweet
May life give you more than you can ever eat.

God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.

The Magic of Christmas lingers on
Though childhood days have passed
Upon the common round of life
A Holy Spell is Cast
(old verse)

When the roaring flames of your love
have burned down to embers,
may you find that you've married your best friend.

Near a misty stream in Ireland in the hollow of a tree
Live mystical, magical leprechauns who are clever as can be.
With pointed ears, turned up toes and little coats of green,
The leprechauns make their shoes, trying hard to ne'er be seen.
Only those who really believe have seen these little elves.
If you believe and look with your heart, you can see them yourselves.

WORRY
In the end, there are only two things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
When you're well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you're sick, then there are two things to worry about:
either you get well or you will die.
When you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die, then there are two things to worry about:
either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell.
When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry!
SO WHY WORRY!?!

The Irish ne'er walk
But what they dance an Irish fling,
And Irish ne'er talk
But with lilting voices sing.

An Old Irish recipe for Longevity:
Leave the table hungry.
Leave the bed sleepy.
Leave the table thirsty.

Whenever I dream, it seems I dream Of Erin's rolling hills
Of all its lovely, shimmery lakes and little babbling rills
I hear a Colleen's lilting laugh across a meadow fair
And in my dreams its almost seems to me that I am there
O, Ireland! O', Ireland! We're Never far apart
For you and all your beauty fill my mind and touch my heart.
Ireland, it's the one place on earth
That heaven has kissed
With melody, mirth,
And meadow and mist.

If you're lucky enough to be Irish...you're lucky enough!

Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.

Mothers and fathers hold their children's hands for just a little while...and their hearts forever.

Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege.

A family of Irish birth will argue and fight,
but let a shout come from without,
and see them all unite.

An Irishman has an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains him through temporary periods of joy.

Murphy's Law
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you expect.
And if anything can go wrong,
It will, at the worst possible moment.

Like the goodness of the five loaves and two fishes,
Which God divided among the five thousand men,
May the blessing of the King who so divided
Be upon our share of this common meal.
May luck be our companion,
May friends stand by our side,
May history remind us all
Of Ireland's faith and pride.

To Age! To Age! Why does one care?
As the wrinkles grow longer and gray graces your hair.
Life should be simple 'cause when push comes to shove,
The only one counting is the good Lord above!

St. Patrick was a gentleman
Who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland.
Here's toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good St. Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

An old Irish recipe for longevity: Leave the table hungry. Leave the bed sleepy. Leave the table thirsty.

Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don’t want to press your luck.

God made the Italians for their beauty. The French for fine food. The Swedes for intelligence. The Jews for religion. And on and on until he looked at what he had created and said, "This is all very fine but no one is having fun. I guess I'll have to make me an Irishman."

May God grant you many years to live,
For sure He must be knowing.
The Earth has angels all too few,
And Heaven is overflowing.

A world of wishes at your command,
God and his angels close at hand,
Friends and family, their love impart,
And Irish blessings in your heart!

May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.
May there always be work for your hands to do ...
May your purse always hold a coin or two...
May the sun always shine on your windowpane...
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain...
May the hand of a friend always be near you...
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you...
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there... I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight...
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry—
I am not there... I did not die...

May the Lord keep you in His Hand
and never close His fist too tight.

May God be with you and bless you.
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings
And know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

May you always walk in sunshine.
May you never want for more.
May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.

May the love and protection St. Patrick can give -
Be yours in abundance as long as you live.

May the blessing of light be on you - light without and light within. May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire, so that stranger and friend may come and warm himself at it. And may light shine out of the two eyes of you, like a candle set in the window of a house, bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm. And may the blessing of the rain be on you, may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean, and leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines, and sometimes a star. And may the blessing of the earth be on you, soft under your feet as you pass along the roads, soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day; and may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it. May it rest so lightly over you that your soul may be out from under it quickly; up and off and on its way to God. And now may the Lord bless you, and bless you kindly. Amen.

May God be with you and bless you.
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward

May those who love us, love us.
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts;
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles,
So we will know them by their limping.

Be ye our angel unawares
If after Kirk ye bide a wee,
There's some would like to speak to ye,
If after Kirk ye rise and flee
We' all seem cauld and still to ye.
The one that's in the seat with ye
Is stranger here than ye, maybe.
All here have got their fears and cares,
Add ye your soul unto our prayers,
Be ye our angel unawares.

May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine upon your window pane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near to you and
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Lord, make the door of this house
The gateway to your love.

Christ is the head of this House,
The unseen guest at every meal,
The silent listener to every conversation.

God Bless This Home
May its windows catch the sun
And its doors open wide to friends and loved ones.
May each room resound with laughter.
May the walls shut out troubles
And hold in warmth and cheer.
May this home be filled with joy in the morning
And sweet dreams in the night.
May it be a home where love has come to live….
where Jesus Christ is Lord.

May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.

May Christ and His Saints stand between you and harm.
Mary and her Son.
Patrick with his staff.
Martin with his mantle.
Brigid with her veil.
Michael with his shield.
And God over all with His strong right hand.

There's the joy of ole' Killarney, in these wishes meant for you;
There's a bit of Irish blarney, and a touch of magic too --
There's a wish of lots of laughter, and good luck, be sure o' that;
And a wish that all your dreams may come true in no time flat.

May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you wherever you go.

May the sun shine all day long,
Everything go right and nothing go wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you
And may all the wishes you wish come true!

A sunbeam to warm you, Good luck to charm you.
A Sheltering angel, So nothing can harm you,
Laughter to cheer you, Faithful friends near you,
And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you.

May you have love that never ends,
Lots of money, and lots of friends
Health be yours, whatever you do
And may God send many blessings to you!

God bless the corners of this house and all the lintel blessed,
And bless the hearth and bless the board and bless each place of rest,
And bless each door that opens wide to strangers as to kin,
And bless each crystal window pane that lets the starlight in,
And bless the rooftree overhead and every sturdy wall.
The peace of man. The peace of God. With peace and love for all.

Some have meat and canna eat.
And some have nay and want it.
But I have meat and I can eat,
So let the Lord be thank it.
Amen.

May God bring good health to your enemies enemies.
~
God to enfold me, God to surround me,
God in my speaking, God in my thinking.
~
God in my sleeping, God in my waking,
God in my watching, God in my hoping.
~
God in my life, God in my lips,
God in my soul, God in my heart.
~
God in my sufficing, God in my slumber,
God in mine ever-living soul, God in mine eternity. Amen.

God gives every bird its food,
but He does not throw it into its nest.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.

I arise today through a mighty strength:
God's power to guide me,
God's might to uphold me,
God's eyes to watch over me;
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to give me speech,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to shelter me,
God's host to secure me.

You are the peace of all things calm
You are the place to hide from harm
You are the light that shines in dark
You are the heart's eternal spark
You are the door that's open wide
You are the guest who waits inside
You are the stranger at the door
You are the calling of the poor
You are my Lord and with me from ill
You are the light, the truth, the way
You are my Saviour this very day.

Circle me, Lord.
Keep protection near
And danger afar.
Circle me, Lord
Keep hope within.
Keep doubt without.
Circle me, Lord.
Keep light near
And darkness afar.
Circle me, Lord.
Keep peace within.
Keep evil out.

You've blessed me with friends and laughter and fun
With rain that's as soft as the light from the sun
You've blessed me with the stars to brighten each night
You've given me help to know wrong from right
You've given me so much, so please Lord give me too
A heart that is always Grateful to you.

Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
The saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Shining Through The Tears
It's easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song.
But the man worth while is the one who can smile
When everything goes dead wrong.

For the test of the heart is trouble and it always comes with years.
And the smile that is worth the praises of Earth
Is the smile that shines through the tears. A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

May God grant you always...
A sunbeam to warm you,
A moonbeam to charm you,
A sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you.

Big Sea, Little Boat
Dear God, be good to me;
The sea is so wide,
And my boat is so small.

Get on your knees
And thank the Lord
You're on your feet!

When your eyes shall be closing
And your mouth shall be opening
And your senses be slipping away,
When your heart shall grow cold
And your limbs be old,
God comfort your soul on that day.

Thank you for the food we eat.
Thank you for the world so sweet.
Thank you for the birds that sing.
Thank you God for everything!
Amen.

Blessing in a graveyard:
God be with you, all gathered here.
May God and Mary be with you.
As we are now, so once were you.
As you are now, so shall we be.
May we all prosper
Under the bright King of the world.

From a headstone in Ireland:
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Scottish Wedding Blessing:
May joy and peace surround you both,
Contentment latch your door,
May happiness be with you now;
God bless you evermore.

A Wedding Prayer:
By the power that Christ brought from heaven,
mayst thou love me.
As the sun follows its course,
mayst thou follow me.
As light to the eye,
as bread to the hungry,
as joy to the heart,
may thy presence be with me,
oh one that I love,
'til death comes to part us asunder.

Christmas Blessing:
May peace and plenty be the first
To lift the latch to your door,
And happiness be guided to your home
By the candle of Christmas.

May the Lord keep you in His hand
And never close His fist too tight.

New Year's Blessing: In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship but never in want.

Get on your knees
and thank the Lord
you're on your feet.

A drink precedes a story. A friend's eye is a good mirror.

A hen is heavy when carried far.

A hound's food is in its legs.

A lock is better than suspicion.

A silent mouth is melodious.

A trade not properly learned is an enemy.

Age is honorable and youth is noble.

As the big hound is, so will the pup be.

Be neither intimate nor distant with the clergy.

Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die.

Even a small thorn causes festering.

Good as drink is, it ends in thirst.

He who comes with a story to you brings two away from you.

He who gets a name for early rising can stay in bed until midday.

If you do not sow in the spring you will not reap in the autumn.

When the drop (drink) is inside, the sense is outside.

When the liquor was gone the fun was gone.

Wine divulges truth.

You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Two shorten the road.

Two thirds of the work is the semblance.

When fire is applied to a stone it cracks.

When the apple is ripe it will fall.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

The hole is more honorable than the patch.

The light heart lives long.

The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot.

The mills of God grind slowly but they grind finely.

The raggy colt often made a powerful horse.

The smallest thing outlives the human being.

The wearer best knows where the shoe pinches.

The well fed does not understand the lean.

The work praises the man.

The world would not make a racehorse of a donkey.

There is hope from the sea, but none from the grave.

There is no fireside like your own fireside.

There is no luck except where there is discipline.

There is no need like the lack of a friend.

There is no strength without unity.

Thirst is the end of drinking and sorrow is the end of drunkenness.

Three diseases without shame: Love, itch and thirst.

Time is a great story teller.

Walk straight, my son - as the old crab said to the young crab.

When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is weak.

Youth sheds many a skin. The steed (horse) does not retain its speed forever.

You must live with a person to know a person. If you want to know me come and live with me.

St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time -- a day to begin transforming
winter's dreams into summer's magic.
-Adrienne Cook

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use
whatsoever.
-Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

Ireland is rich in literature that understands a soul's yearnings,
and dancing that understands a happy heart.
-Margaret Jackson

The problem with Ireland is that it’s a country full of genius, but
with absolutely no talent.
-Hugh Leonard

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
-Alex Levine

O Ireland isn't it grand you look--
Like a bride in her rich adornin?
And with all the pent-up love of my heart
I bid you the top o' the mornin!
-John Locke "The Exile's Return"

Maybe it's bred in the bone, but the sound of pipes is a little bit
of heaven to some of us.
-Nancy O'Keefe

In Ireland the inevitable never happens and the unexpected
constantly occurs.
-Sir John Pentland Mahaffy

I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied. I'm Irish.
-Marianne Moore "Spenser's Ireland"

On she went, and her maiden smile
In safety lighted her round the Green Isle;
And blest forever was she who relied
Upon Erin's honor and Erin's pride.
-Thomas Moore

We are all of us in the gutter.
But some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-Oscar Wilde

The quiet Irishman is about as harmless as a powder magazine built over a match factory.
-James Dunne

This is our fate: eight hundred years' disaster, crazily tangled like the Book of Kells: the dream's distortion and the land's division, the midnight raiders and the prison cells.
-John Hewitt

There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting.
-John Millington Synge

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk;
The best of life is but intoxication.
-Lord Byron

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all that we will know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh.
-William Butler Yeats

There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting.
-John Millington Synge

From the great Gales of Ireland
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad.
-G. K. Chesterton

An Irishman needs three things: silence, cunning and exile.
-James Joyce

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
-Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another.
-James Boswell

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats

There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head,
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How the hell can he drink when he's dead?

Here's to our wives and sweethearts- may they never meet!

Here's to King Solomon, ruler and sage,
the wisest of men in history's page.
He had wives by the thousand, and thought it was fun...
Here's hoping you'll know how to handle just one.

Here's to the woman of my dreams, who looks like a million...
and is just as hard to make.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Here's to a love, a love that will linger. I gave her the ring...
and she gave me the finger.

Here's to my mother-in-law, who still calls me a son...
But I never let her finish the sentence.

Here's to you, here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be.
But if we ever disagree, forget you here's to ME!

Here's to abstinence... as long as it's practiced in moderation.

Here's to happiness... I never knew happiness until I got
married. Now it's too late.

Here's to you, here's to me, in hopes we never disagree.
But if we do, the Hell with you.... Here's to me!

Here's to marriage, for man is not complete until he's
married... and then he's finished.

Here's to the ships of our navy, and to the ladies of our land. May the former be well rigged and the latter be well manned.

Drink is the curse of the land.
It makes you quarrel with your neighbor.
It makes you shoot at your landlord,
and it makes you miss him.

Here's to good old whiskey, so amber and so clear,
'tis not so sweet as a woman's lips,
but a damn sight more sincere.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Here's to lying, stealing, and cheating!
May you lie to save a friend;
May you steal the heart of the one you love;
and may you cheat death.

I could have wealth beyond my dreams,
But where is the joy in that?
And I could travel the seven seas,
But I would always come back.
Everyone could know my name,
And there would be no peace.
I could have undying love,
And heartaches still increase.
No, if I were wealthy beyond my dreams
(And where is the joy in that?)
It wouldn't buy friendship such as yours --
And there IS joy in that!

Here's wishing you the top o' life without a single tumble.
Here's wishing you the smiles o' life and not a single grumble.
Here's wishing you the best o' life and not a claw about it.
Here's wishing you the joy in life and not a day without it.

Here's to the four hinges of society.
May you fight, steal, lie and drink.
When you fight, may you fight for your country.
When you steal, may you steal away from bad company.
When you lie, may you lie at the side of your sweetheart.
And when you drink, may you drink with me.

May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.

'Tis glad I am and glad I'll be
That you like knowin' the likes of me!

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money!

Here's to women of the Irish shore;
I love but one, I love not more.
But since she's not here to drink her part,
I'll drink her share with all my heart.

What is but age? Something to count?
Some people fight it as if climbing the mount.
I choose life with dignity and grace
And offer a drink to all in this place!

Who is a friend but someone to toast,
Someone to gibe, someone to roast.
My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing and able.
Now let's get to drinking!
Glasses off the table!

Here's to being single, drinking doubles and seeing triple!

A Scottish Toast:
May the best ye've ever seen
Be the worst ye'll ever see,
May a moose ne'er leave yer girnal
Wi' a teardrop in his e'e,
May ye aye be hale and he'rty
Till ye're auld enough tae dee,
May ye aye be just as happy
As I wish ye aye to be.
~Anon

Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through stategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here's a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

In Heaven there is no beer,
that is why we drink it here.

Sláinte!
gaelic for "to your health!"
It's pronounced as if you quickly slurred "It's a lawn chair!"

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish, you’re lucky enough!

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer—and another one!

Here's to women...
would that we could fall into their arms,
instead of their hands.

‘Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day,
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he’s dead.

Friend of my soul, this goblet sip
'twill chase the pensive tear.
'Tis not so sweet as woman's lip
but oh, 'tis more sincere.

Here's to you as good as you are,
Here's to me as bad as I am,
As good as you are,
And as bad as I am,
I'm as good as you are,
As bad as I am.

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Here's to me, and here's to you,
And here's to love and laughter-
I'll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

Health and life to you;
The mate of your choice to you;
Land without rent to you,
And death in Eirinn.

Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies!

Here's to the old lady up the hill.
If she won't drink it, I will!

Here’s to a sweetheart, a bottle, and a friend.
The first beautiful, the second full, the last ever faithful.

Here's to the flea that jumped over me,
and bit the ass of my little missus.

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to two blades of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

Here's that we may always have a clean shirt,
A clean conscience,
And a guinea in our pocket.

May you live forever
And may the last words you hear be mine!
Here's to us!
Who's like us?
Darned few, and they're all dead!

May you live to be a hundred
And may I live to sing at your wake!

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

Here's to health and prosperity,
To you and all your posterity.
And them that doesn't drink with sincerity,
That they may be damned for all eternity!

Here's to temperance supper, with water in glasses tall,
and coffee and tea to end with -- and me not there at all!

Here's to the four hinges of society.
May you fight, steal, lie and drink.
When you fight, may you fight for your country.
When you steal, may you steal away from bad company.
When you lie, may you lie at the side of your sweetheart.
And when you drink, may you drink with me.

Here's to the women that I've loved and all the ones I've kissed.
As for regrets, I just have one; that's all the ones I've missed.
Oh, womens' faults are many, us men have only two:
Every single thing we say, and everything we do.

Here's to those who wish us well,
as for the rest, they can go to Hell!